Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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