Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
