Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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