You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
