im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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