I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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