I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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