tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
