The maid of honor just puked.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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