wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
