Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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