I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This baby is an asshole
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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