I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
