This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
