Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
