That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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