: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
As shirtless as possible
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
