yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
