Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
