i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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