I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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