i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
