First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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