Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Randomize
