I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
