Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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