i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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