I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
