we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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