no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
