My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
