if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize