dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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