Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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