Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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