Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
