Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
