I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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