okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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