Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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