listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
