3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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