listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
