I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
