Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
