i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
