i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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