my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
