The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
