I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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