it wasn't lemon gatorade
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
