At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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