I'm going to jail i love you
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
