She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
