In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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