Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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