My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
